TITLE: "A morning at Jen's Place"
Scene 1
A children's playground.
Jenny sits on a park-bench with Ella and Caleb, the three of them munching away on ***** brand chocolate bar (like hell I'm name-dropping them without proper paid product placement. Try saying that four times fast.)
An old-ish woman walks by, catches sight of the incredibly suger-laden diet being bestowed upon these two poor innocent creatures of goodness and glares very meanly at Jenny.
Very meanly.
As Jenny contemplates her next move, we dissolve to:
Scene 2
Earlier that morning...
The downstairs studio. Jenny, in an attempt to make herself feel like an actual 'good' mummy, spends the morning helping the kids to draw, write and resist the urge to hurl the basketball at the book-case.
All is calm, all is quiet, all is lovely. In fact if you listen closely you might even be able to hear the soundtrack to "The Mikado" in the background. Or not. Whatever, this is just the script, you can hear whatever you want.
CUT TO:
Scene 3
4 minutes later...
Jenny: NOOOOOO!!!!!
Ella: NOOOOO!!!!!
Caleb: YAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!
SLAM!
Caleb has slammed the dead-locked door to the house shut, thereby locking Jenny and Ella out and himself in.
Ella: Oh no, Mummy, we can't get in!
Jenny: It's okay, let's try the front door. (Note to actor: this should be played with outer calm but inner rage. Only an actor of pure brilliance could pull this off. Failing that, we'll just stick an ugly prosthetic nose on you.)
Ella: Caleb, that was very naughty!!!
CUT TO:
Scene 4
2 minutes later...
At the front door.
Jenny and Ella alternate knocking and screaming, trying to entice Caleb to the front room.
Jenny: Caleb! Caleb!
Ella: CALEB COME HERE YOU NAUGHTY STUPID BOY!!!
Jenny: Ella that's not nice. (adopting a nice voice) Caleb come here you naughty stupid boy!
Ella: Oh NOOO!!! He's not coming!!!
CUT TO:
Scene 5
2 minutes later
At back door.
Jenny: CALEB!!!! Go to the front room!
Scene 6
CUT TO:
1 minute later
Jenny and Ella circle the house trying to find that elusive open window. It is a mission that proves fruitless.
Ella: Holy banana benders batman, looks like we're in a spot of trouble!
(note to reader: some of this script has been fictionalised for dramatic purposes. Which bits is for you to decide)
CUT TO:
Scene 7
12 minutes later
At front door again.
A dishevelled, dehydrated and desperate Jenny is on her knees, her face stained with tears and her back dripping with blood. Why? We'll never know.
Jenny: Caleb. Caleb. Caleb.
Ella: He's not coming, mama.
Jenny: Caleb....
A dramatic pause. Did you feel that? Wasn't it dramatic?
Jenny: Caleb...do you want....CHOCOLATE?
A beat.
Cue climactic resolution music, as Caleb comes running joyously through the house to the front door, unlocking it with the ease of an Olympic Pole-Vaulter stepping over a turtle.
All: Oh Caleb, oh Ella, oh Mummy, oh Batman, etc...
We dissolve to:
Scene 8
PresentTime
We are back in the park, where the old woman has just delivered a filthy 'you revolting unfit-to-own-a-kitten-let-alone-breed-your-own-kind' look from hell.
Jenny smiles sweetly.
JENNY: It was this or a lock-smith. And chocolate's cheaper.
The old woman scowls, spits and suddenly begins to mutate: this is no innocent old lady, this is Hannibal Lector!
Hannibal: Tell me about the lambs, Jenny, tell me abou....
POW!
Before the freaky old woman/Hannibal can utter another syllable, Jenny whips out her very handy pocket-size blow-torch and fries the cannibal to a deep-fried perfection.
Before the smoke has even cleared, Ella looks up at mummy and says...
Ella: I want another chocolate!
Jenny: (looks directly to camera and shrugs) What can I say? It's been one of those mornings.
THE END
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
10 comments:
Dontcha just love the Hanibal ladies and men in the world..the ones who have forgotten what it is truly like to be in charge of little gremlins all your waking hours???
I had a similar story only this time my keys were hidden and it was a rainy day and I had to leave that instant to get the boys from school and we lived far from teh school. I was pleading with the girls.."where are mummy's car keys?" I dont know was the answer..of course they didnt know...and then a light bulb was lit in the baby's mind.."I know mum"..and she raced to the FREEZER and there they were...frozen keys!!! Ahhhhh, love these times. :)
OMG!! I SO lived this story when my son was around a year and a half - I had gone out to our garage (joined to the house by a fire door) and my son locked me out. As he sat on one side having a COMPLETE melt-down - it was that time when they CAN'T be without you and Miss Thing was TOO busy watching TV to care until I had screamed myself into a aneurism and the neighbor came by to see if I was getting bludgeoned to death in the garage. It was they I hid a spare key. And I've had to use it twice. My advice - another key.
O wow, you have one awesome blog!
VERY CREATIVE!! :o)
Survival of days like these astonish me, truly. When are you going to put on a world-tour of your one woman mommy show? I'd come see it.
LOL! Very funny. I love to see a Old Hannibal lady get what's coming to her. I've been on the receiving end of those death stares myself.
lol!
Been locked out by the baby before!
And why do people feel they need to comment on every little aspect of someone else's parenting?
You made it quite an entertaining read though!
Visiting from the blogging chicks carnvial
Haha, thanks for the lovely comments guys - as for a world tour, well...I'm coming to New York in August and may well do the odd gig or two while I'm there.
Otherwise, I think 2007 is going to be the year of Comic Mummy global domination!!! :-)
bribes are definitely worthy of a bloggability
here from the carnival
Stopping by via the Blogging Chicks carnival.
Oh how I can sympathize... Honey, I have eight kids; my eldest will be 30 in July, the youngest is just a toddler (and autistic).
After 30 years of motherhood, I still keep a bag of candy for when Hub walks out the door to go to work and Danibear starts to have a meltdown because she doesn't get to go "bye-bye car."
Works like a charm every time. Bring on the Hannibal Lechter ladies! I got your back.
Excellent, love it!
» »
Post a Comment